A writer of Fantasy, fantasy romance and other oddities and who believes there just aren't enough dragon and unicorn stories out there. And Happily Ever Afters... gotta have those.
I love books. Ebooks, paperbacks, hardbacks, old books with years of readers who have turned their yellowed pages, new books seeking readers.
Life: I drove kid out to his photo shoot in Harrisburg today. 3 1/2 hours each way and 5 hours sitting while they went through a huge slew of people. I thought I would hate the drive, instead, I discovered something; Central PA is absolutely GORGEOUS! There were places where the hills had been cut to make the road and you could see the layers in the rock. The geologist in me was geeking hard core. And when I was parked waiting for kid, I saw four squirrels rushing about. It was hilarious. You know that Geico commercial? The one where the mom calls at the most inopportune moment to tell her super spy son about the squirrels in the attic? Kills me everytime. That’s what those squirrels reminded me of.
There is a lot of time, while driving, to think. Especially when the kid fell asleep. I couldn’t help but think how fortunate I am, how awesome my kids are and how, despite it’s ups and downs, life’s pretty damn good.
A couple of days ago a news article came up on my newfeed on FB that fashion designer Kate Spade had passed away of apparent suicide. This morning I woke to the news Anthony Bourdain also succumbed to the mental illness and took his life. While I was unfamiliar with Mrs. Spade, or her accomplishments and struggles, I was sorta familiar with Anthony Bourdain. I watched his shows a few times, watched his guest appearance on Bizzare Foods, heard a lot about him that I admired.
Beyond the celebrity status, beyond the buzz of hollywood and high fashion, these were two people who fought an unseen fight against mental illness. And they lost. I could lay out the statistics, but everyone is doing that. I hurt for their families and friends, I mourn the loss of their talent. And I’m angry, I’m pissed, I’m downright enraged that mental illness is still not being taken seriously. I hear it, even from my own son, scoffing and condemning the people who hurt so deeply, who struggled so valiantly, yet who, in the end, couldn’t keep the inner demons of the mind away.
takes a deep breath
It could have been me. Did you know that? As recently as a few weeks ago the irritating, lying thought crossed my mind that the whole damn world would be better off it I wasn’t around. Back in 2001 I almost drove my car off a cliff, I’m not kidding. I didn’t, obviously, but had it not been for the fact I was preg with A, and I had J & D in the car I would have. I was so deep in the well of depression that I couldn’t see light. I wanted it done and over with. I chose not to, I continued on our way to the campground at Lake Cuyamaca in So Cal. But it was tempting. Very tempting. I was so tired. Tired of living, of struggling, of being screamed at and manipulated. I felt I was a burden on those that loved me, I felt that those closest to me really didn’t like me much at all. I was ready to be done. I chose not to because while my life is my business, I had no business taking the opportunity of living away from my boys. That got my thinking to shift and I recognized how in an instant I could have taken an irreversible step.
This wasn’t the only time those thoughts have crossed my mind, and aside from sternly talking myself out of it, to date my strongest recourse has been to remember Rachael. Rachael was a friend in high school who, in her junior year (iirc) walked in to discover her mother had shot herself in the head. Rachael was 17. Rachael was messed up after that, blaming herself for not taking her mother’s depression and sadness seriously. To this day, twenty years later, she still struggles with it.
I don’t want that to be my kids. Time and time again I’ve reminded myself that my kids and my hubs would be devastated if I did that. And I don’t want them to struggle to come to terms with something I chose to do. They want to have mom around, even if my brain is lying to me and telling me that’s not true. So far this has worked well, it’s been able to keep me from making a final step. I have a lot to live for. I force myself to find the light in what seems to be a shroud of pure darkness.
The pressure is intense, the brain is a mighty manipulator at times, tricking us into believing things aren’t the way they are. It is exhausting, day after day to fight a brain that seems intent on its own demise.
Sometimes, people can’t, no matter how hard they try, see any reason to continue. It’s not being dramatic, it’s not being selfish, if anything it’s a result of years and years of trying hard to be strong, to hide the swirling doubt in their minds. Many other suicidal people I’ve talked with over the years have this mentality; the world would be better without me. Sometimes they pull themselves out of it, or reach out for help or have those who love them reach out to them. Sometimes, despite all our efforts, some people slip further than we can reach. They’re not weak. They’re not selfish. They’re tired of day in and day out. They want the pain, the exhaustion to just stop.
I’ve been thinking about this all day, after shedding tears for the traveling chef who lost his battle. After quietly mourning the fashion designer who seemed to have it all.
Reach out to that buddy you haven’t heard from in a while. Shoot a text or email or phone call to that friend who has struggled. Reach out, because chances are, at least in my experience, they might not be able or willing to reach out to you. If they’re like me, they won’t want to burden you with their problems, or be a downer. They might not respond right away, but at least they’ll know that you care.
Here are some resources for you. Share these please, you might unknowingly save a life.
Life: Errands and chillin with the kids. It was cool today. Like literally, I was sitting under a blanket LOL. There was something else but I’m drawing a blank. Kinda laid back day.
Writing: Currently tapping away at E1 ch 39. I’ve restarted this about four or five times, and something’s just not meshing, and I’m not sure if I’m overthinking (which I do a lot) or if there’s something I’m missing.
Life: Post sick fatigue. You don’t want the nitty gritty. I did have some fun this evening when the 12, 16 and 17 year olds decided to crinkle up all the paper from the last semester in the middle of the living room, then loaded it all into a tall laundry basket and took it out to the bar-b-q to burn. I was torn between telling them to not, or just advise them how to do it without risking any spreading embers (growing up in CA makes me wary of fires) I chose the latter. Why not? They’re responsible, they had a stressful last semester at school, and they were having fun crinkling it up and throwing it at each other. Why ruin that? I watched, nothing got out of hand but happy was had.
Sometimes it’s tough balancing what you know is expected of you as a parent and what you feel is right. They wanted to release the tension of the year in an almost ritualistic burning of the hated papers. Ok so having the twelve year old swan dive into the pile and shaking the house was a bit aggravating, but at the same time it was funny. It was building memories together, laughing and letting off steam. I’m unconventional as a parent, to put it mildly. LOL (besides I can use this in a story!)
oh and I lost 2lbs in about a week! I have a lot more to go, but it’s a good start.
Writing: I’ve been rereading old stories, some finished, some not. The ones I really find annoying are the ones where I stopped mid sentence (sometimes mid word). A look at the date I last worked on it usually tells me this was a kid/life interruption. I do wish I’d gotten back to some of them, not sure where I was going with things LOL
Reading:Just my own stuff.
TV:I have been watching shows on plate tectonics and geology. It’s feeding a bunny, but I’m not sure what.
Well now things are pretty weird. so I’ll bullet point this and try to expand on it later this week or maybe this weekend.
Son’s appointment at pulmonary went well, a suspicious ‘lump’ they saw in his chest xray a year and a half ago is now gone. No more of those appointments.
A ball python who had escaped her tub about a month and a half ago was found, rushed to vet after determining she has a respiratory infection. She apparently ate something she shouldn’t have during her adventures and…. well…
I find this absolutely fascinating. She has meds to try to help get her guts moving, and antibiotics to combat the respiratory infection. I’ll be keeping a close eye on her. I thought she was a gonner, but she’s alive and despite her odd snacking I’m ecstatic about this.
I actually scribbled out some E1 and E2 stuff but I’ll have to transcribe that tomorrow.
Overall today was an adventure. A great big adventure. But I am glad it’s nearly over.
It seems the internet ate it last night when I posted it. -.-
Kids are nearing the last day of school. Today I tweaked a few words on the latest rewrite chapter of E1 and watched a lot of ‘Worlds Worst disasters’ on Netflix. Weird *I* watched TV [insert ominous music]. And I ran teens around. Because, of course I did, that’s what mom does, right? Mom’s taxi at your service! bleh.
Tweaking with words in E1, unclunkifying that chapter. I need to sit down and really saturate brain with the chapter so I can straighten it out. But for some reason brain is doing the butterfly thing again. This is very annoying.
Nothing like breaking your website first thing in the morning LOL. But it got fixed, thanks to the wonderful tech support at my web host, verve. If you’re looking for someone to host your website, these folks are great. Anyways, I’ve had a relaxing day for the most part. Hope y’all have also.
Actually I’ve been doing editing on The Fallen as my brain is still bouncy and sieve like. Not sure why.
Remind me NEVER to fiddle fuck with the website when I just wake up mmmk?
Lazy sunday. I did chillin with the kiddos, playing fallout and telling myself over and over again to vacuum the damn bedroom. Yeah, I’ll do that in the morning. ?
Been dabbling with ideas, backstories, I figured today I was going to veg out on video games so I wasn’t too serious. I’m writing on E1 right now (or will be once I’m done writing this post).
Started to read The Successful Author Mindset by Joanna Penn. I got it as a storybook bundle a while back and hadn’t touched it. Unfortunately bouncy brain is bouncy and I have the attention span of a butterfly today.
Hope your weekend is going great!
Be kind to each other.
…Those who sacrificed all, to ensure we might continue to live in freedom.
“The fallen patriots we memorialize today gave their last full measure of devotion. Not so we might mourn them, though we do. Not so that our nation might honor their sacrifice, although it does. They gave their lives so that we might live ours — so that a daughter might grow up to pursue her dreams; so that a wife might be able to live a long life, free and secure; so that a mother might raise her family in a land of peace and freedom.”
44th President of the United States, Barak Obama MAY 26, 2014