Lets take a moment, to remember the men (and women) who fought for workers to have a voice in company decisions. Today a lot of folks get drunk, party, bar-b-q without a clear understanding of what the foundation of this ‘holiday’ was built from.
In other news;
Dean Wesley Smith has a series of online workshops he/his publishing company WMG Publishing offers through teachable*. I went ahead and subscribed to the weekly tips because, well why the hell not? He’s been in the business for decades, and done well, if he has tips to share, I think it’s a worthy investment. One of those tips was about resetting yourself. As he put it, if he misses a day he says reset and starts over.
As I was looking over my page and my blog I started laughing, I might not use the term ‘reset’ (I don’t really have A term, though I do think of it as ‘Reboot’) but I have been doing something like that for a long time. I might miss a day, a week, months or hell even years, but I always reboot, restart. Reset. Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I fail. Sometimes I fail spectacularly LOL, but I try to keep moving forward. I just found it amusing/ironic/neat that he’d put up a tip on that and I’d find/watch that tip as I’m doing my own ‘reset’ right now.
I went over to both the Patreon and the Wattpad pages. Debating. I haven’t been keeping up either, though I’ve put up more on Wattpad than Patreon. I’m considering what to do with them. I feel like I owe it to the wattpad followers to at least finish uploading E1. Then part of me was thinking I should just close down the Patreon and move BP over to wattpad. Not sure I care for that. Can’t really pin down why it doesn’t feel right.
Anywho, I hope you are doing well. All three of you 😉 Take it easy. Be kind to one another. ~NPhoenix
*I am not getting any kind of kickback or anything to mention DWS’s workshops. I’m just sharing info about something I find a valuable investment as an author. I would highly recommend checking out DWS’s online workshops to any serious self pubber.
I hesitate saying ‘I’m back!’ because I’ve said it before and things happen. But things always happen. I’ve been focusing less on stories and writing, and more on family and health over the past year, I just haven’t had the ?will? ?spoons? to come over here.
The Website needs updating, links cleared, theme redone. The books up for sale need a bit of an overhaul. The Patreon page (which I effing forgot about) needs attention, so does the Wattpad page. My goals, my focus, all that fun stuff needs to be re-examined.
And every time I’d come over here, I felt like such a goddamn loser. I just didn’t have the mental capacity to get shit done.
So here I am. Trying not to get overwhelmed and let anxiety win. I’ll take it day by day.
Life Status; My son, who had struggled hard for a few years (which was what initially threw me for a loop and knocked me off my game back in 2014) graduated this past May. Not only did he graduate, but on walking out of HS he walked right into a Cosmetology career, flat out bought a car, and just bought his first ‘house’ (ok, mobile home) and is planning on marrying his long time gf. He’ll be 19 in a couple of months. This is the kid who, I was told by the PA justice system, was never going to graduate, and would probably spend his life in and out of jail.
This, along with juggling a kid in college and a kid adrift, and herding the younger kids towards their own futures, has left me an exhausted , though very proud, mama.
Did you know that many women who were children in the 80s & 90s (and earlier) were overlooked by mental health care professionals when they exhibited ADHD and autistic behaviors? It’s quite infuriating. Especially as we have determined that my ‘bipolar’ symptoms were mis-diagnosed. Bipolar? no. I have never experienced any kind of mania. But I have a textbook case of ADHD which took me close to 16 years to get any psychologist to recognize. Now on the right meds, functioning like an actual human being and not a depressed squirrel, has gone a long way in me reclaiming me.
This has led to better organizing my brain and dudes, sorta consistent writing even.
I cannot stress enough how priceless it is to finally get the correct meds to help get your brain functioning right.
This IS a writer page after all, and lately I haven’t really been doing much of that over the past few years. So here’s a bit of an update on the state of those things.
Elemental Truth is temporarily on hold. Mainly because Zandercrack has hijacked my brain. So I’m going with it.
The Bastard Prince this is, hands down, a heart project. Which had roared to a halt because something wasn’t right. Well last week I figured out why I was having trouble. I’m back in the saddle, working on it daily for the past week, managing to push it from the low/mid 70k to 87k. I’ve got not idea how much (wordcount wise) I’ve got left to be able to slap The End to it, but if I go by scenes…. maybe 20 to 25 scenes? Possibly 30? Maybe?
Other Projects; I’ve got a few half finished fallout fanfics (which I doubt will ever see the light of day LOL), a few fallout inspired post apoc ideas which are silently begging me to finish them. Mostly everything is focused on BP and E1.
September Goals; ~Finish BP. Like, just wrap the fucker up, get SL (book 2) scene listed (planning on using it for NaNo this year). See if my editor is going to be available and toss it her way. ~Scene list the rest of the Zander Chronicles. ~ IF there’s time left over, dust off The Fallen, write the four or five filler scenes, and decide if it’s going to go up or is going to grow into a novel. October Goals; ~Finish E1. Like BP it’s stuck just outside the grande finale and for some crazy reason I just… stopped. Not sure if it’s some inner fear of saying good-bye to loved characters, or just overwhelmed brain can’t take any more dished out at it. ~Scene list E2. if there’s time.
The rest of 2019 Goals: ~Write. Just, get back into the habit of writing daily. Of allowing myself to be creative without guilting myself. ~I would like to put both BP AND E1 up for sale before Christmas. We’ll see how that goes. ~Be more forgiving of myself. I am my own worst critic. In recent years I have become very harsh with my inner monologue towards myself. This is not healthy and inhibits both personal happiness and my creativity. I need to be kinder to myself.
It’s okay to take a break. It’s okay to step back and rethink things. Even if you do it over and over and over. It’s okay. It doesn’t mean you’re a failure. It means you’re actively processing your situation.
I hope you are all having a good day (whenever you read this).
This weekend has been busy. Very busy. I broke the streak, but I’m not gonna stop posting. We’ve been getting things done, errands have been run, important things handled. And I’ve been binging on (and breaking thanks to too many mods loaded) fallout 4.
Writing; busy days mean nothing written.
Gardening: I have a small harvest! Snappeas!
They’re soooo cute!
Sorry for the weekend silence. Hubs has now headed back to work and some really good stuff is in the plans which atm I can’t really talk about. BUT Things are good. Better than they’ve been for a long time. Take it easy all.
Life: D, my 18 year old, brought his gf over a few days ago. She was hacking and coughing. Guess what? Whatever she had, I have now. I am not amused.
For some reason this scene has been replaying in my head. I haven’t seen the rest of the movie since I was a kid but this scene has always stuck out. Pure gold lol
Writing: Today I was trying to work on my digi art and do a cover for Playing for the Dead because wow that cover really needs to be updated. I found a gorgeous pic, and then sat staring at it in my graphics program at a complete loss. I fumbled around for a while on the program before closing it out of frustration. I’m not sure if it’s brain fog from being sick or if it’s just that I haven’t touched this sort of thing in about 2 or 3 years.
I did scribble up some notes for Elemental Spies/Heir and did some background stuff for one of the love interests in that story. I think it’ll make a great story. Of course now I want to get a fire opal, if only so I can actually have one in hand when I try to describe the one the MMC is going to give the FMC. (And for someone who has never received any sort of jewelry before she’s going to be very baffled by it all mwahahaha!)
Life: I drove kid out to his photo shoot in Harrisburg today. 3 1/2 hours each way and 5 hours sitting while they went through a huge slew of people. I thought I would hate the drive, instead, I discovered something; Central PA is absolutely GORGEOUS! There were places where the hills had been cut to make the road and you could see the layers in the rock. The geologist in me was geeking hard core. And when I was parked waiting for kid, I saw four squirrels rushing about. It was hilarious. You know that Geico commercial? The one where the mom calls at the most inopportune moment to tell her super spy son about the squirrels in the attic? Kills me everytime. That’s what those squirrels reminded me of.
There is a lot of time, while driving, to think. Especially when the kid fell asleep. I couldn’t help but think how fortunate I am, how awesome my kids are and how, despite it’s ups and downs, life’s pretty damn good.
A couple of days ago a news article came up on my newfeed on FB that fashion designer Kate Spade had passed away of apparent suicide. This morning I woke to the news Anthony Bourdain also succumbed to the mental illness and took his life. While I was unfamiliar with Mrs. Spade, or her accomplishments and struggles, I was sorta familiar with Anthony Bourdain. I watched his shows a few times, watched his guest appearance on Bizzare Foods, heard a lot about him that I admired.
Beyond the celebrity status, beyond the buzz of hollywood and high fashion, these were two people who fought an unseen fight against mental illness. And they lost. I could lay out the statistics, but everyone is doing that. I hurt for their families and friends, I mourn the loss of their talent. And I’m angry, I’m pissed, I’m downright enraged that mental illness is still not being taken seriously. I hear it, even from my own son, scoffing and condemning the people who hurt so deeply, who struggled so valiantly, yet who, in the end, couldn’t keep the inner demons of the mind away.
takes a deep breath
It could have been me. Did you know that? As recently as a few weeks ago the irritating, lying thought crossed my mind that the whole damn world would be better off it I wasn’t around. Back in 2001 I almost drove my car off a cliff, I’m not kidding. I didn’t, obviously, but had it not been for the fact I was preg with A, and I had J & D in the car I would have. I was so deep in the well of depression that I couldn’t see light. I wanted it done and over with. I chose not to, I continued on our way to the campground at Lake Cuyamaca in So Cal. But it was tempting. Very tempting. I was so tired. Tired of living, of struggling, of being screamed at and manipulated. I felt I was a burden on those that loved me, I felt that those closest to me really didn’t like me much at all. I was ready to be done. I chose not to because while my life is my business, I had no business taking the opportunity of living away from my boys. That got my thinking to shift and I recognized how in an instant I could have taken an irreversible step.
This wasn’t the only time those thoughts have crossed my mind, and aside from sternly talking myself out of it, to date my strongest recourse has been to remember Rachael. Rachael was a friend in high school who, in her junior year (iirc) walked in to discover her mother had shot herself in the head. Rachael was 17. Rachael was messed up after that, blaming herself for not taking her mother’s depression and sadness seriously. To this day, twenty years later, she still struggles with it.
I don’t want that to be my kids. Time and time again I’ve reminded myself that my kids and my hubs would be devastated if I did that. And I don’t want them to struggle to come to terms with something I chose to do. They want to have mom around, even if my brain is lying to me and telling me that’s not true. So far this has worked well, it’s been able to keep me from making a final step. I have a lot to live for. I force myself to find the light in what seems to be a shroud of pure darkness.
The pressure is intense, the brain is a mighty manipulator at times, tricking us into believing things aren’t the way they are. It is exhausting, day after day to fight a brain that seems intent on its own demise.
Sometimes, people can’t, no matter how hard they try, see any reason to continue. It’s not being dramatic, it’s not being selfish, if anything it’s a result of years and years of trying hard to be strong, to hide the swirling doubt in their minds. Many other suicidal people I’ve talked with over the years have this mentality; the world would be better without me. Sometimes they pull themselves out of it, or reach out for help or have those who love them reach out to them. Sometimes, despite all our efforts, some people slip further than we can reach. They’re not weak. They’re not selfish. They’re tired of day in and day out. They want the pain, the exhaustion to just stop.
I’ve been thinking about this all day, after shedding tears for the traveling chef who lost his battle. After quietly mourning the fashion designer who seemed to have it all.
Reach out to that buddy you haven’t heard from in a while. Shoot a text or email or phone call to that friend who has struggled. Reach out, because chances are, at least in my experience, they might not be able or willing to reach out to you. If they’re like me, they won’t want to burden you with their problems, or be a downer. They might not respond right away, but at least they’ll know that you care.
Here are some resources for you. Share these please, you might unknowingly save a life.
Remind me NEVER to fiddle fuck with the website when I just wake up mmmk?
Lazy sunday. I did chillin with the kiddos, playing fallout and telling myself over and over again to vacuum the damn bedroom. Yeah, I’ll do that in the morning. ?
Been dabbling with ideas, backstories, I figured today I was going to veg out on video games so I wasn’t too serious. I’m writing on E1 right now (or will be once I’m done writing this post).
Started to read The Successful Author Mindset by Joanna Penn. I got it as a storybook bundle a while back and hadn’t touched it. Unfortunately bouncy brain is bouncy and I have the attention span of a butterfly today.
Hope your weekend is going great!
Be kind to each other.
Holy crap it just goes! Kid is prepping for a Caribbean cruise this fall and needed a passport. So we went to the appointment to to apply and we had everything. Except the application he left on the dresser at home LOL. Luckily they have applications right there so he could re-fill one out, but I got the giggles (successfully smothered them because, not COOL mom! LOL). So that’s off and running. Should be about 4 to 6 weeks to get it in. Then I played taxi, driving kids all around hells half acre; the store, to work, to friend’s house and to a school function preparing the 5th grader for the new middle school. Oh and I was pokemon go-ing while I waited. It seems like my life is a collection of moments where I wait in the car for someone to do something. Kinda annoying really. But the little pokemon go game makes it fun. I don’t know why, but bouncing a poke-ball off the head of some wild pokemon is immensely satisfying.
Next week is the last week of school. The dreaded June is right around the corner. Not sure how I feel about it. I’m not sure how this summer will go.
I wrote about 400 words on when I thought was a flash fiction. But it’s all setting no real visible plot. I’ll try to whip something up tomorrow. Got nothing done today on E1 which is frustrating, but running around sucked out my brain, I swear.
Finished the Sales Copy book. Good, informative and now I want to read the books he used as examples LOL. I would recommend any writer who intends on self pubbing to invest in this book. Yes, I said invest. It will help hone your skills if you practice. I think this weekend will be sales copy practice time.
The Patreon is still up, I need to decide, and quickly, what I’m going to do with it.
Hope you are all doing well.
Be kind to each other
Dr appointments and errands. And A took his drive test. And the parallel parking got him. Again. *sigh*
Dean Wesley Smith mentions ‘cycling’ in his blog. It’s a method of going back through as you write to tidy things up as you go so, theoretically, you can have a clean first draft. It’s funny, I’ve been doing the same thing, only I call it layering. Though I have a ways to go to get a ‘clean’ first draft, that’s my goal as a writer. I just kinda squeed when I realized exactly what it was he was doing. Revelations like that geek me out. You can check out the most recent blog post where he talks about it over here. If you follow his video lectures (I subscribe to them monthly) he did a writer tip segment on it. THAT is over here at WMG Publishing Lectures. They’ve got some pretty informative stuff which I’m slowly working through.
I got 612 words on the next bit of E1, but I’m so tired I’m going to call my daily writing done. I just can’t keep my eyes open. I like the direction it’s going. I’ve missed just writing.
I’m annoyed that I haven’t finished the Sales Copy book. I haven’t touched it today, thanks to life. I’ll try to wrap up reading that tomorrow. I need to practice it for my projects.
I found this today and just about lost it. I LOVE this song and Alice Cooper just totally nailed it.
Hope you are all having a great week. Be safe, readers in Hawaii, in the path of Pele.
Be kind to each other.
Still waiting on an official update on my SIL. She’s had a rough road, to put it mildly.
Today was a down day. Yesterday’s adventures caught up with me so I slept for most the morning after the kids got on the bus. Then there was the gardening. I find it very soothing fiddling around with my little container garden. Especially when things are stressful. I’ll try to get pictures up of the silly little garden. I have no idea what I’m doing. But I’m having fun.
Took the dog and the younger kids for a walk before dinner. I need to do that more LOL I was far more winded than I should have been.
I wrote part of a flash fiction this afternoon before getting pounced on by kids needing rides for workstuff. After I’m done writing this, I’m going to either try to finish writing that or tackle the next E1 chapter to rewrite.
I’m challenging myself to more writing. Of blog posts, of fiction. I’ve let other things clog me tremendously and that’s just not good. So Lets see if I can get a streak going. Blog post a day. Story a week. Flash friday. Am I trying to hard? Maybe. But that’s okay. If it means I get words…
So today; Lawn got mowed, a swimmingpool got set up. I got some very bad news about family members in a bad crash.
I was going to write more on this blog but I was caught up making phone calls and finding out what had happened. Happy thoughts to my SIL please.