Missing post

It seems the Sunday Serenity post got eaten by my phone. I’m not sure what I did wrong, but it’s not showing up. It was just a pic of my new back porch. Oh well, here are some other pics, the container garden has moved back there, and I think it’ll be a nice little retreat. In the evenings and mornings. There’s no roof so it’s kinda hot in the afternoons atm.

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New Beginnings

So we moved. Bigger house, better neighborhood, an actual yard we can use and not worry about the kids breaking their necks on the steep hill.

I have an actual office space, not my bedroom, and large garden area outside. There’s a nicer kitchen, and overall it’s a definite improvement over the last place.

We can be happy here. It’s not just a house, it’s a home.

We also found patches of black mold in the old place, after we moved everything out. I’ll tell the old landlord when I give her back her keys.

It’s freeing, like shaking off useless baggage. I feel able to function.

So. I’m rebooting the daily blog posts, starting with this one. I’m quite pleased at how long it went last time.

Writing; I’ve been unpacking and organizing. I haven’t really been physically writing, but with the move has come a surge of ideas, and dreams.

Movin & Groovin; I’m more active here. For a number of reasons. To the point my knees are complaining. ūüôĄ damn you body. But thats okay. I’ll get past that. Lol

Reading; just the covers of books I’m unpacking

Time to get crackin. Figure out a game plan. This has been a stressful but great move.

Be Kind to each other ~NPhoenix

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Fly by post

Ok, so apparently the web server/website host had a crash a few days ago. OPPS

 

I swear I didn’t do it.

 

Update on everything.

Streak is broken, but for good reason. I can’t go into it right now but things are GOOD and looking better. I may be offline for a bit while I adjust stuff. But I should be back by mid july if not sooner. Trying to get my phone to connect with the website so I can continue my daily posts. I’m having¬†issues with that. It’s amusing, probably user error. Oh, wait… fixed it. Ok, so posts via phone. We’ll see how this works.

Actual writing has ground to a halt *sigh* BUT my brain is chugging out ideas and I’m note-taking. I hope all of you are having a fabulous summer. This has got to be one of the nicer summers(depression wise) in recent memory. And it’s only getting better. Take care, be kind to each other. I’ll hopefully have an update with actual¬†news¬†news here in a week or so.

NPhoenix

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Daily Blog Post #25

Damnit this was supposed to go up a couple of days ago. I’ve been caught up with kids and… kids adventures breaking into swimming pools. Don’t ask, it’s hilarious and stupid and all I can say is¬†TEENS! *rollseyes*

In other news a pal of mine released this new book. Guys, go get it, it’s got a talking cat in it. Really fun.

 

I’m about to start typing with my forehead. I know, I broke the streak, but I’ll keep going.

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Daily blog post #24

OOPS

This weekend has been busy. Very busy. I broke the streak, but I’m not gonna stop posting. We’ve been getting things done, errands have been run, important things handled. And I’ve been binging on (and breaking thanks to too many mods loaded) fallout 4.

Writing; busy days mean nothing written.

Reading: nada.

Gardening:  I have a small harvest! Snappeas!

They’re soooo cute!

 

Sorry for the weekend silence. Hubs has now headed back to work and some really good stuff is in the plans which atm I can’t really talk about. BUT Things are good. Better than they’ve been for a long time. Take it easy all.

 

Be Kind to each other
~NPhoenix

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Daily Blog Post #23

Life: the cough is easing up, I’m not quite as spacey as I was yesterday. Played far too much Fallout 4 though. Working¬† my way through the Nuka World DLC . It was a nice relaxing day, I got stuff done (vehicle stuff), and I rested. And oh a little bit of gardening too.

Writing: None. However I’ve been fiddling with the cover issue and I decided to reach out to a gal who does covers and commission one for her. I just don’t have the brain cells to do my own covers. All of them need to be updated. She does good work so I figure she’s the right choice. Something to mention, to fellow indi authors, hiring out is not a bad thing. Recognize when you need help.

 

Reading: just the fallout 4 survival handbook.

Be Kind to each other
~NPhoenix

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Daily Blog Post #22

Life: The cold has ramped up. I’ve been hacking up a lung. Not sure if it’s a cold or allergies or a combination of both. Either way I spent the day snuggling with little people and watching science shows.

 

Writing: been trying to write out a scene for E3 but I keep losing my focus.

Will try to go to sleep and write more tomorrow.

Be Kind to each other
~NPhoenix

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Daily Blog Post #21

Life: D, my 18 year old, brought his gf over a few days ago. She was hacking and coughing. Guess what? Whatever she had, I have now. I am not amused.

For some reason this scene has been replaying in my head. I haven’t seen the rest of the movie since I was a kid but this scene has always stuck out. Pure gold lol

Writing: Today I was trying to work on my digi art and do a cover for¬†Playing for the Dead¬†because wow that cover really needs to be updated. I found a gorgeous pic, and then sat staring at it in my graphics program at a complete loss. I fumbled around for a while on the program before closing it out of frustration. I’m not sure if it’s brain fog from being sick or if it’s just that I haven’t touched this sort of thing in about 2 or 3 years.

I did scribble up some notes for Elemental Spies/Heir and did some background stuff for one of the love interests in that story. I think it’ll make a great story. Of course now I want to get a fire opal, if only so I can actually have one in hand when I try to describe the one the MMC is going to give the FMC. (And for someone who has never received any sort of jewelry before she’s going to be very baffled by it all mwahahaha!)

 

Reading: nada I have the focus of a butterfly.

 

Be Kind to each other
~NPhoenix

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Daily Blog Post #20

Life: It was a laid back monday. Did more gaming than I should have. Hubs, who works out of town for weeks at a time, came home earlier than I expected (YAY!) but it’s also kinda distracting. I’m usually up late and well… he has to get up for work about my usual crawling into bed time.

Writing: … lets not talk about this right now LOL. I’ll be up early to write tomorrow.

Reading: Does my Fallout 4 Survival Guide count? LOL

Politics: Net Neutrality is officially over. The Orange Cheeto has managed, again, to embarrass us. And ICE. Holy fuck I can barely go to FB at the moment. I’m sickened by what my country is turning into, and I’m exhausted by it all. Which isn’t helping the whole depression shit either.

Resist and Be Kind to each other
~NPhoenix

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Daily Blog Post #19

Life: Just chillin with the children. Planned to do some gardening stuff but thunderstorms changed that plan. Instead we just watched a lot of spongebob. Still recovering from yesterday’s loooong day.

Writing: Wrote a scene then deleted it. It didn’t work. Was going to tackle a second version but I think it’s going to be a (sorta) early night.

Reading: nada

Be Kind to each other
~NPhoenix

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Daily Blog Post #18

Life: I drove kid out to his photo shoot in Harrisburg today. 3 1/2 hours each way and 5 hours sitting while they went through a huge slew of people. I thought I would hate the drive, instead, I discovered something; Central PA is absolutely GORGEOUS! There were places where the hills had been cut to make the road and you could see the layers in the rock. The geologist in me was geeking hard core. And when I was parked waiting for kid, I saw four squirrels rushing about. It was hilarious. You know that Geico commercial? The one where the mom calls at the most inopportune moment to tell her super spy son about the squirrels in the attic? Kills me everytime. That’s what those squirrels reminded me of.


There is a lot of time, while driving, to think. Especially when the kid fell asleep. I couldn’t help but think how fortunate I am, how awesome my kids are and how, despite it’s ups and downs, life’s pretty damn good.

There’s more, but I’m tired.

Writing: nil see above

Be Kind to each other
~NPhoenix

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Daily Blog Post #17

A couple of days ago a news article came up on my newfeed on FB that fashion designer Kate Spade had passed away of apparent suicide. This morning I woke to the news Anthony Bourdain also succumbed to the mental illness and took his life. While I was unfamiliar with Mrs. Spade, or her accomplishments and struggles, I was sorta familiar with Anthony Bourdain. I watched his shows a few times, watched his guest appearance on Bizzare Foods, heard a lot about him that I admired.

Beyond the celebrity status, beyond the buzz of hollywood and high fashion, these were two people who fought an unseen fight against mental illness. And they lost. I could lay out the statistics, but everyone is doing that. I hurt for their families and friends, I mourn the loss of their talent. And I’m angry, I’m pissed, I’m downright enraged that mental illness is still not being taken seriously. I hear it, even from my own son, scoffing and condemning the people who hurt so deeply, who struggled so valiantly, yet who, in the end, couldn’t keep the inner demons of the mind away.

takes a deep breath

It could have been me. Did you know that? As recently as a few weeks ago the irritating, lying thought crossed my mind that the whole damn world would be better off it I wasn’t around. Back in 2001 I almost drove my car off a cliff, I’m not kidding. I didn’t, obviously, but had it not been for the fact I was preg with A, and I had J & D in the car I would have. I was so deep in the well of depression that I couldn’t see light. I wanted it done and over with. I chose not to, I continued on our way to the campground at Lake Cuyamaca in So Cal. But it was tempting. Very tempting. I was so¬†tired.¬†Tired of living, of struggling, of being screamed at and manipulated. I felt I was a burden on those that loved me, I felt that those closest to me really didn’t like me much at all. I was ready to be¬†done.¬†I chose not to because while my life is my business, I had no business taking the opportunity of living away from my boys. That got my thinking to shift and I recognized how in an instant I could have taken an irreversible step.

This wasn’t the only time those thoughts have crossed my mind, and aside from sternly talking myself out of it, to date my strongest recourse has been to remember Rachael. Rachael was a friend in high school who, in her junior year (iirc) walked in to discover her mother had shot herself in the head. Rachael was 17. Rachael was messed up after that, blaming herself for not taking her mother’s depression and sadness seriously. To this day, twenty years later, she still struggles with it.

I don’t want that to be my kids. Time and time again I’ve reminded myself that my kids and my hubs would be devastated¬†if I did that. And I don’t want them to struggle to come to terms with something I chose to do. They want to have mom around, even if my brain is lying to me and telling me that’s not true. So far this has worked well, it’s been able to keep me from making a final step. I have a lot to live for. I force myself to find the light in what seems to be a shroud of pure darkness.

The pressure is intense, the brain is a mighty manipulator at times, tricking us into believing things aren’t the way they are. It is exhausting, day after day to fight a brain that seems intent on its own demise.

Sometimes, people can’t, no matter how hard they try, see any reason to continue. It’s not being dramatic, it’s not being selfish, if anything it’s a result of years and years of trying hard to be strong, to hide the swirling doubt in their minds. Many other suicidal people I’ve talked with over the years have this mentality; the world would be better without me. Sometimes they pull themselves out of it, or reach out for help or have those who love them reach out to them. Sometimes, despite all our efforts, some people slip further than we can reach. They’re not weak. They’re not selfish. They’re tired of day in and day out. They want the pain, the exhaustion to just stop.

I’ve been thinking about this all day, after shedding tears for the traveling chef who lost his battle. After quietly mourning the fashion designer who seemed to have it all.

Reach out to that buddy you haven’t heard from in a while. Shoot a text or email or phone call to that friend who has struggled. Reach out, because chances are, at least in my experience, they might not be able or willing to reach out to you. If they’re like me, they won’t want to burden you with their problems, or be a downer. They might not respond right away, but at least they’ll know that you care.

Here are some resources for you. Share these please, you might unknowingly save a life.

Suicidepreventionlifeline.org  phone # 1-800-273-8255 
State by state list of resources here
Addiction Center and their 24/7 phone # is (855) 826-4464
https://www.befrienders.org/

Here’s another article I read after Linkin Park singer Chester Bennington took his life. Here

We have to do something, to acknowledge and not scoff at people struggling with Mental Illnesses. Our future as a society depends on it.

~*~

Writing: I managed 846 words on E1 last night after I posted over here. Figured out what had me stumped. Silly brain. Will try to get the next bit posted on Monday or Tuesday.

Reading: Finished reading The Magic Bakery by DWS. Good book, eye opening.

Be Kind to each other
~NPhoenix

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Daily Blog Post #16

Last night I laid down to read, and promptly fell asleep XD OOPS!¬† But that won’t stop me from getting the next blog post up.

Life:  More errands. of course. And catching up on some sleep.

Writing: Cracking down on myself today. Not much yet, but the night is young.

Reading: The Magic Bakery by Dean Wesley Smith. (Am I the only one who keeps reading Wesley as Weasley?)

Be Kind to each other
~NPhoenix

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Blog Post #15

Life: Errands and chillin with the kids. It was cool today. Like literally, I was sitting under a blanket LOL. There was something else but I’m drawing a blank. Kinda laid back day.

Writing: Currently tapping away at E1 ch 39. I’ve restarted this about four or five times, and something’s just not meshing, and I’m not sure if I’m overthinking (which I do a lot) or if there’s something I’m missing.

Reading: nada

Be Kind to each other
~NPhoenix

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